Back to Basics December 25, 2009
Posted by wanderinggrizzly in Uncategorized.Tags: Basic Emotions, Reflection, Resolution
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Winter is a time of hibernation for the grizzly bear, but unlike my namesake I cannot curl up in a cozy den somewhere and dream away the chilly months. Instead of a literal hibernation, (being dormant does not sound so appealing actually) I can use this time to withdraw, reflect and regroup. With the New Year coming so closely to the Winter Solstice, it’s kind of hard to ignore the seasonal and cultural urgings to look inward. This is the literally the darkest time of the year, and while so often the dark encourages fear, I can rebel against this inclination and come out with the light in the spring stronger and happier. (I’m digging this website’s description of the winter solstice… pretty much everything I wanted to say)
While I’m no psychologist, my googleing led to a list of basic emotions that most psychologists seem to agree on. To help me cultivate resolutions for the New Year I am going to reflect on these six emotions and brainstorm what I can do to help me handle them.
- Anger
- Disgust
- Fear
- Happiness
- Sadness
- Surprise
Anger:
- Being Disrespected: I am a soft-spoken blonde. While I consider myself fairly intelligent, I prefer to be light-hearted then serious most of the time. This combination often results in being taken advantage of and/or not taken seriously.
- Unfairness: One of the ‘aha grown up moments’ is when you realize life is not fair. Balance does not come by grace but by actions. So when I experience blatant perversions and manipulations of justice it makes me sick.
Disgust:
- Greed/Gluttony/Waste: These are all kind of connected for me. In my own life I hate wasting food (whether it be through overeating or going bad) and a little part of me cringes every time I throw something in the trash.
Fear:
- Failure
- Rejection
- Dissatisfaction: While the above pretty much speak for themselves, dissatisfaction is probably my greatest fear. I am terrified of looking back on my life and feeling as though I have accomplished nothing. In a lot of people’s opinion my life is somewhat accomplished, I have a degree, I’ve traveled, I’ve had different experiences. So I understand that this is a state of mind that I need to cultivate.
Happiness:
- Helping others: It’s a good kind of selfish
- Loving: I love being in love, and not necessarily just romantic love. I love having strong connections with other people, activities etc.
- Sense of Accomplishment: The main reason I am training for a marathon. It’s also why I think I’ll be a life long student; despite the work and anguish nothing beats the feeling of handing in that last paper or finishing that final exam.
Sadness:
- Guilt: Guilt for moving away from my family, guilt for not being a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister. Guilt for not being a better part of society and doing all I can for humanity and the environment.
- Ineptitude: Hmm, pretty much ties in with the above
Surprise: I’m going to leave this one open. Besides saying that I love surprises and am an enthusiastic supporter of spontaneity.
Alright, I know this blog is been pretty mood and kind of a downer. I just have to get through this fundamental emotional stuff and then hopefully I’ll be a bit more light-hearted and jolly.
Living 50/50 December 20, 2009
Posted by wanderinggrizzly in 20 Something, Quarter-Life Crisis.2 comments
In my search for like-minded 20-something protagonists who tend to identify more with the supporting character, I have found a lot of people willing to define the QLC as well as claim it as their own but I have yet to find anyone who really embraces it. While articles abound, no one is really digging into it, examining their situation and testifying with the witness of the internet. I see a lot of “OMG!!! this is exactly what I am going through!” and then he or she goes on to describe the shoes he or she bought that day.
I had high hopes for this blog http://www.tooprettyforthis.com/ and while well-written and entertaining, I haven’t felt much empathy towards the clever narrator. The following passage is from her abstract and summarizes the QLC…
“You were careful. You made good decisions. You were kind and trustworthy to other people, and responsible about your obligations. You worked hard, thinking things would work out because that’s what everyone told you.
Instead, you landed in a hot pile of MESS. Crazy people and even crazier roadblocks jumped in your way, leaving you to wonder what you did wrong or what red flag you missed.”
While I can relate to the first paragraph; I was careful, I made the ‘right’ decisions, I went to a good college, got a degree in four years while working and interning, got a job etc etc, I cannot commit to the feeling of her second thought. I do not believe I am in a hot mess, nor do I think there were crazy roadblocks and crazier people who diverted me here. There is only one reason I am where I am and that is the decisions that I made. Where I think I went wrong was I let everyone else determine what was the right decision. I do not regret college, I do not regret the major I chose nor the decisions I made following graduation. What I regret are the reasons that I made those decisions. Up to recently I feel like I’ve been living my life around 50/50… living 50% on my own accord and the other 50% by allowing other people’s influence to govern my choices.
It has only been recently that I feel I’ve been changing this momentum. I moved across the country (only temporary) for a job that probably hurt my chances on the career track I was on, but was so fun. I ended a 2 1/2 year relationship and made the decision to stay single for a while. I also made immature decisions to unnecessarily tap into savings and be leisurely about finding new employment. Now the thoughts I have before I drift off to sleep are about if I can stay out of debt or will I have to move back with my parents? Have I doomed myself to be eternally single? I have to remind myself that I wanted this situation. I have felt I have never really earned anything, never had to pull myself up. I can think of no hardships or ‘roadblocks’ that have required real strength to overcome. And I wanted to know can I do it? Can I create a life totally of my own?
Do I sound bitter? As I traverse the internet I am nurturing voyeuristic tendencies I am embarrassed to admit that I have. I can’t get enough of post secret and enjoy exploring other blogs as well as FB. The emotion that I seem to run across the most is dissatisfaction. Most of the time it is blatant but it’s also in between the lines of those excited “new shoe” testimonies. This worries me, for out of everything I could want; wealth, happiness, a family, health, a sense of personal satisfaction and comfort is what I want the most. I know what makes me happy. Things that allow me to live only in the moment, running, riding, yoga, an especially well written book. My trouble is to find a way to connect those moments so that in the idle space in between where anxiety and worry often grows, I can fill with comfort and peace.
The Begining Growl December 18, 2009
Posted by wanderinggrizzly in 20 Something, Miscellaneous, Quarter-Life Crisis.Tags: First Time, Introduction, Life, Quarter-Life Crisis, Unemployment
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Alright I know, worst blog name ever but I wasn’t really feeling up to spending an atrocious amount of time coming up with something that was clever or eloquent when it would most likely come out as pretentious. So why ‘wandering grizzly’? I like that the latin name for grizzly literally means ‘horrible bear.’ I think that grizzly bears picked an awesome habitat to live in. I like that they are typically not social but can be. I like that they eat people and are big and smelly and basically bad-ass. And as for wandering… as an unemployed, not quite homeless 20 something whose biggest aspiration is self-realization I feel like wandering is a pretty adept one-word description of my life.
So why blogging? Why join the millions of ‘writers’ contribution to the abundance unasked for and unwanted opinions that is the internet? I suppose it’s because for the past year I have been in the throes of what has been dubbed a “Quarter-Life Crisis.” After scouring the internet for some guidance and camaraderie during this period I was unsatisfied. The thoughts in my head need someplace to go, and by making them public I hope to avoid the melodrama and melancholy that often goes with journal writing. Because I miss beautiful language and proper grammar. Because I need something ‘constructive’ to do as I fret over my ‘life path.’
So dear reader, I hope it was not some misfortune that sent you stumbling onto my little nest of mediocrity and ego. If you decide to stay and visit I hope you find some sort of entertainment or maybe even inspiration in my humble words and that you offer some of your own.