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Living 50/50 December 20, 2009

Posted by wanderinggrizzly in 20 Something, Quarter-Life Crisis.

In my search for like-minded 20-something protagonists who tend to identify more with the supporting character, I have found a lot of people willing to define the QLC as well as claim it as their own but I have yet to find anyone who really embraces it.  While articles abound, no one is really digging into it, examining their situation and testifying with the witness of the internet.  I see a lot of “OMG!!! this is exactly what I am going through!” and then he or she goes on to describe the shoes he or she bought that day.

I had high hopes for this blog http://www.tooprettyforthis.com/ and while well-written and entertaining, I haven’t felt much empathy towards the clever narrator.  The following passage is from her abstract and summarizes the QLC…

“You were careful. You made good decisions. You were kind and trustworthy to other people, and responsible about your obligations. You worked hard, thinking things would work out because that’s what everyone told you.

Instead, you landed in a hot pile of MESS. Crazy people and even crazier roadblocks jumped in your way, leaving you to wonder what you did wrong or what red flag you missed.”

While I can relate to the first paragraph; I was careful, I made the ‘right’ decisions,   I went to a good college, got a degree in four years while working and interning, got a job etc etc, I cannot commit to the feeling of her second thought.  I do not believe I am in a hot mess, nor do I think there were crazy roadblocks and crazier people who diverted me here.  There is only one reason I am where I am and that is the decisions that I made.  Where I think I went wrong was I let everyone else determine what was the right decision.  I do not regret college, I do not regret the major I chose nor the decisions I made following graduation.  What I regret are the reasons that I made those decisions.  Up to recently I feel like I’ve been living my life around 50/50… living 50% on my own accord and the other 50% by allowing other people’s influence to govern my choices.

It has only been recently that I feel I’ve been changing this momentum.  I moved across the country (only temporary) for a job that probably hurt my chances on the career track I was on, but was so fun.  I ended a 2 1/2 year relationship and made the decision to stay single for a while.  I also made immature decisions to unnecessarily tap into savings and be leisurely about finding new employment.  Now the thoughts I have before I drift off to sleep are about if I can stay out of debt or will I have to move back with my parents?  Have I doomed myself to be eternally single?  I have to remind myself that I wanted this situation.  I have felt I have never really earned anything, never had to pull myself up.  I can think of no hardships or ‘roadblocks’ that have  required real strength to overcome.  And I wanted to know can I do it?  Can I create a life totally of my own?

Do I sound bitter?  As I traverse the internet I am nurturing voyeuristic tendencies I am embarrassed to admit that I have.  I can’t get enough of post secret and enjoy exploring other blogs as well as FB.  The emotion that I seem to run across the most is dissatisfaction.  Most of the time it is blatant but it’s also in between the lines of those excited “new shoe” testimonies.  This worries me, for out of everything I could want; wealth, happiness, a family, health, a sense of personal satisfaction and comfort is what I want the most.  I know what makes me happy.  Things that allow me to live only in the moment, running, riding, yoga, an especially well written book.  My trouble is to find a way to connect those moments so that in the idle space in between where anxiety and worry often grows, I can fill with comfort and peace.



1. Mary - January 4, 2010

I just found your blog, and have been reading it. It’s crazy the things you write about, I feel I am in the exact same position. I just graduated from college, and ended a three year relationship. I’m training for a marathon right now and I’ve been into Bikram yoga for the past year.. thinking about becoming a yoga instructor as well! I have a crappy job right now that I don’t like or want to stay in.

Well, I just thought it was crazy how similar our lives are. I will keep checking in on your blog. Good luck to you!

2. wanderinggrizzly - January 5, 2010

Hey thanks for stopping by! I think there are a lot of 20-somethings out there going through similar situations. I just figure if I’m going to be melodramatic I could at least try to make it entertaining. You should totally go for being a yoga instructor. I’m not too familiar with Bikram yoga but I just signed up for my first instructor training through Yogafit which is more of the Vinyasa style.
Good luck with your marathon training! It’s the best part of my life right now so I hope to be sharing more of my experience!

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